Fantasy Writers are Perverts

3 Jul

Here’s the thing. I am more than willing to admit that I am a pervert. I read Cathy Acker and William Burroughs novels. When it makes sense for my characters to have a sex scene, they have one hell of a sex scene. I do not shy away from that stuff. I enjoy it!

But recently, on the advice of a friend, who is a fantasy writer, I checked out Legend of the Seeker, a television show. Normally I wouldn’t have gotten past the first episode or two. It is apparently done by the same people who did Hercules, the Legendary Journeys, but now they’re all grown up, except of course, they aren’t any more mature than they were when they did Hercules, so they had no business doing a show as if they were serious and not having campy good fun.

I haven’t watched the whole two seasons, but it seems to be about someone from a non-magical place who is introduced to a world of magic and wizards, and must, by the end of his adventure depose an evil lord who knows magic. It is inspired by Terry Goodkind’s Sword of Truth novels. Unlike other fantasy literature, the main character is not small for some reason (Harry is 10 years old, Bilbo and Frodo are hobbits, etc). Also, Legend of the seeker includes kick-butt leather-clad dominatrices who wield magical pain dildoes. (Fairly work-safe if you can watch noisy embarrassingly bad fantasy clips at work.) I would have embedded that one, but it would have only encouraged you to waste almost three minutes of your life watching that tedium.

And call me a prude, but I find it undignified to pretend to seriously read about or watch fantasy adventure when I am actually watching Jessica Marais in tight blood-red leathers, play with her magical dildo. If that’s what I’m into, I should just watch that, and drop the pretense. (Incidentally, I’m not into that, not much at any rate, but OK, maybe a little. Jessica Marais is super hot.)

But wait, there’s more. Half way through the first season, they have a clip show, probably because the show is so weird and crazy that they were concerned that new viewers would be totally lost if they didn’t include a clip show to explain everything, but hey, maybe they were just too lazy to film another whole episode that week.

The frame of the clipshow is that the villain, Darken Rahl, has trapped the hero, Richard Cypher, in a dream in which the hero never began his adventures, and then Richard explains the contents of his dream to everyone he grew up with because it was such a crazy dream. Darken Rahl becomes the people in Richard’s dream, finally settling on the his hometown sweetheart, played by another stunning Jessica, Jessica Chapnik this time. Then the two of them cuddle and talk about how much they love each other, ostensibly so that Darken can get some tidbit of information out of Richard. There were several points in this episode in which I was sure tonsil boxing would ensue, not because it would be necessary to get the information, but because Darken seems to be the kind of guy who would find it fun to use magic to visit people in their dreams as Jessica Chapnik and then make out with them.

But then that begs the question of, since it’s a dream, why not go all the way, other than the homosexual incest thing. (Oh crap! That was a spoiler! Erase it from your mind.) In dreams, you can’t get knocked up, not that that happens to boys, and you can’t catch anything. And you can definitely use it to your advantage in the final confrontation with the hero, when your swords are drawn and you reveal. “It was me that visited you in your dreams as Jessica Chapnik! And wow dude, that was amazing what you did with your tongue. I was too busy having multiple orgasms to pay attention, so you definitely have to show me what you were doing, so I also can use that technique on the ladies.” And while the hero is having seizures of OMG!-I-had-gay-incest-with-the-villain-in-a-dream-of-strait-sex-with-my-hot-ex-girlfriend, totally make a Seeker-kabob out of him.

I’m sure the novels didn’t need to have the potentially gay incest dream sequence flashback device, but given that kung-fu dominatrices with magical pain dildoes did come from the novels, I wouldn’t put it past Terry Goodkind. All of us fantasy writers are perverts.

IMDB says that I’ve seen both of the Jessica Chapnik episodes, but that Jessica Marais is in three more episodes that I haven’t gotten to yet, so I’ll probably keep watching the show for a bit. I’ll let you know if it’s at all interesting.

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