I wish I could shape-shift

4 Aug

Getting over the hernia surgery is harder than getting over laproscopy.

Wow, I mean, not fun. I don’t remember it being this hard the first time it was repaired. I went through a lot of hydrocone this past week, a lot. I’m tired of being in bed all the time.

Part of why it’s so rough is that the mesh is a lot bulkier that I thought it would be. Half of me wishes big black cute doctor had shown me the mesh before she put it in, so I would have had some idea what I was getting in for, but the other half knows that it wouldn’t have made any difference. Also, big black cute doctor had a hard time finding somewhere to attack the mesh to. Who knows why. I’m just old I guess. Finally she had to affix the mesh to my bones. Sheesh. That must have involved a lot of poking around in my crotch. No wonder I’m so swollen, still swollen a week later.

Men often love to brag about the size of their testicles, as if it is a sign of their bravado. Well let me tell you, my balls are currently enormous, and it has robbed me of much badassery. They’re so tender.

When you’re lying in bed recovering from the second time you’ve had a hernia repaired, you can start to think of your life as a long series of horrible experiences resulting from the physical world smashing into your largely immutable human physical body. If only my body were vastly more mutable. If only I could shape-change like a fairy tale wizard, like Gwion Bach chased by Ceridwen.

Incidentally, Amos Tutuola’s novel, My Life in the Bush of Ghosts ends with a wizard-shape-change chase. I wonder if he got the idea from the Welsh story or if the archetype started in Africa. The Second Kalandar’s Tale from 1001 Nights has a shape-changing duel between a sorceress and a jinn, so… who knows.

I have a little bit of a fetish for this sort of thing. I wonder when my interest started. Was it all the sprains and bruises I suffered as a child? Was it the time I was roughly 12 years old and went into surgery to remove half of a sewing needle from under my kneecap?  Why has Martian Manhunter always been my favorite DC Comics superhero? Aside from the fact that he has a staggering array of superpowers, any one of which would be enough for another hero. Why has Warlock, since his introduction, been my favorite Marvel Comics superhero? I like that character so much that I can vividly remember the New Mutant’s issue in which he was first discovered.

I love shape-shifting. In my deepest darkest parts of myself, my dreams are ones in which I can alter my form, fix teeth with cavities, pull foreign objects from my body without surgery, adjust the deviation in my septum that causes my left sinus to clog up and cause migraines every spring when I get sinus headaches, never get a hernia, except on purpose, spit out gall stones, spit out kidney stones without all the horrifying pain that mere humans have to endure on their removal. Heck, I would even adjust the shape of my eyes to no longer need glasses.

Yes, (people who know me are already thinking it) I would probably abuse such an ability. I just read the Norse poem, Lokasenna, and one of the insults leveled at Loki (the poem is pretty much nothing but Loki trading insults with other gods and goddesses) is that he spent 8 years sneaking around the underworld as a milkmaid, and even had babies. In another Norse poem it is related that Odin’s eight legged horse, Sleipnir is an offspring of Loki’s, from when Loki turned into a mare to “distract” the horse Svathilfari. And when I read that I thought to myself, “Wow, Loki is a freaky dude, but in all honesty to myself, if I could shape-shift, stuff like that would probably happen to me as well.” At the end of the poem, Loki turns into a fish to try to hide out from the other gods who were really pissed at his verbal abuse, but they found him anyway. I guess it can’t solve all one’s problems.

I assume I’m not the only one that shape-changing appeals to. I mean, yeah, shape changing and then having freaky horse sex sounds a bit strange, but wouldn’t we all like to turn into a bird and fly around, like the witch Yubaba, or the wizard Howl who had that moving castle?

Oh, if I could turn into a condor and sail over mountains, if I could turn into a luminous squid and explore the darkest depths of the seas, or the water-filled cave networks of Belize, well maybe it’s best that I can’t. My blog would be updated even less than it is now.

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